I took the SAT

It’s that time of year.  When we get to hear about fantasy league last place finishers settling up with the members of their leagues with some sort of public humiliation.  Guys sitting in waffle houses, performing choreographed dances, etc.   I hate this time of year.   Not only because football is over, but also because it reminds me of the year Ray Rice and Trent Richardson landed me in a desk for the the SAT.  I was 33.   Here’s my report back to the league after completing.

Sorry for the delay on a report, fellas.  I appreciate your well wishes, but I had to take a brief hiatus from society to take a look at my life and assess.  I mean, 4.5 hours cranking out scantron with generation Z really makes you evaluate where you’re headed. 

In any case, I appreciate the warning shots from Woody Part Deux. (**NOTE:  Woody Part Deux is a league member’s little brother, Keith, who was actually taking the test to get into college.  He sent a text to try to get in my head right before the exam.  He was 16.  I was 33.)  Off the top rope.  I like your style.  Trying to get in the old man’s head right before kick off.  While I would have appreciated that motivator right before I received my test booklet, I unfortunately was petrified about the threat of having to retake – so, I left my phone outside the testing facility.  As instructed.  Surprised you didn’t know that.

 In any case, it’s done.  Mind blown.  

Some of the highlights:

1.  Seeing family members hug before the test.  Like we were all going into the freaking Hunger Games, hugs were being shared between mothers and their Bieber luvin sons and daughters.  I couldn’t find anyone to hug.  I started go in for the hug with the 6’10” kid who was clearly a south side baller looking to get eligible for Kentucky or UNC, but I chickened out.  Which is why I MIGHT have not gotten a 1600.  Little rattled due to lack of hug.

2.  Kid getting denied at the door due to a lack of ID.  Sad sight.  Tearing up.  Pissed mom.  The works.

3.  The proctor telling me that my mechanical pencil “isn’t going to work”.  Had to be wooden #2.  He offered me two.  I thanked him.

4.  SCANDAL!!!!!!!  A kid (after showing up late from two breaks) is caught sending or receiving (still unclear) test material from his cell piece during the break.  This is after he said “no” when asked if he had brought or needed a calculator.  At the time, I thought that was the hardo move of the morning and I started to offer him a fist pound in hopes that he and I could form the “NO CALCULATOR REQUIRED CREW” (I abstained again).  However, turns out he didn’t need one because he was too busy cheating.  I didn’t need one because they didn’t have those when I went through high school.

5.  SCANTRON.  Awesome.

6. During the essay, I referenced the Beverly Hillbillies.  Keith, if you didn’t do that, you got it wrong.

7.  Proctor makes a math mistake and announces “5 minute warning” when we really have 15 minutes left.  The room goes bonkers.  I thought we had a riot on our hands.  Literally took the room about 5 minutes to get back under control.  Fortunately, I had already given up on that section. 

Now, this should be the part of the email where I want to lay a wager on the results; however, I can say with some certainty that there is no under low enough to make a line in my case.  So, instead, I’ll just say what a pleasure it was to suck in the Five Star Kumar Championship.  If you’re going to suck, may as well suck the best.  And for one season in time, I was the best.

All in all.  An entertaining morning.  Reminded myself how to calculate some volumes.  Corrected some grammar.  Was a good day.   

Pencils down, Fins up.

– The Robert and Denzel Nkemdiches

“Just when they think they got the answers, I change the questions.” – Rowdy Roddy Piper